Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Life's twists & turns, my testimony

This Journey has been no easy picnic but I would not change it for the world. When I was younger I understood that Jesus loved me from all that I got taught growing up in church. I had gone to Sunday School & went to Awana. I accepted Christ into my life when I was about 9-10 years old at awana at my church at the time. Each week I would hear out Children's ministry director talk about asking Jesus into our heart & each week I would think oh I will do it next week. One particular week I knew I could no longer put it off & something just clicked with me that night so I went downstairs to learn more & ask him into my life. My Childhood memories that I can remember are very few but I do remember that day and what I was thinking. Back then I had no concerns or worries, I was just a shy little girl.  

As I grew up I had my share of struggles. My pre-teen to teenage years were my hardest. In the Midst of those years up to my early days of young adulthood I struggled with feeling like I did not fit in, trusting others, making close friends, doubt about myself being worthy/beautiful, & fearful. 

Thing is I had a hard time when I was in youth group cause I could not relate to the topics most talked about. Because of my trust issues sometimes when leaders asked if I was okay I would say I was when honestly I wasn't. Crying in front of anyone was not me. I saved my tears for myself for the most part & with God. The Moments I felt like I could cry I stuffed it inside. To this day I still don't show my emotions but I know I should feel free to show my emotions.  

Through those battles and the ones that soon followed God was busy working on my heart. When I graduated I had no Idea what to do with my life. Summer 2010 took me to a new passion with Orphan advocacy that changed my life forever. Not knowing what to do after youth I joined the Ladies small group (see 
http://lifesbeautifulbutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/09/girlfriends-how-small-groups-changed-my.html) & still I was shy, feeling like I did not know what to say. 

Summer 2011 would be some of the most painful memories I faced. That summer I'm sure was not all bad but that summer also brought my hardest hurt since my elementary days when I fought with my best friend next door and when her sister hurt my feelings. I was not expecting to feel or experience that pain as I headed to serve at a summer camp. For you see I had many years at that place but during those few days I now realize God had something better for me. Note-It's still a great camp that does good for others & I still support them which is why I won't state their name publicly on this post & none of it had to do with the camp so I have edited any info that might Identify the camp. Some of this story I share shall be kept between me & the pages of my journal, the friends who I have shared the whole story of what went on, & God. I ask that you please respect my privacy of that & don't ask me to share more details. If I want you to know I would tell you but this is what I wrote & was on my heart one day in my journal. This picture was taken on the day I got dropped off before I knew God had a different direction than I had planned.

On a stormy, yucky night he was with a sad, hurt, teary girl as she exited the camp and the next few months to year it would take to mend her broken heart. Part of me blamed myself, wondering I could have lasted longer not getting sick. It might have been easier if I had not gone but then again God knew their was some room to grow in my life. 

As I said that was a hard year as I struggled with feeling angry with the person(s) I felt hurt from and the topic of forgiveness certainly came up more then once. I worked past all that and I forgave myself & that person. Little did I truly know what more lessons he would soon teach me. h

Like I mentioned earlier I knew Jesus loved me, I had accepted him into my life but I still had a stage when I doubted my faith & truthfully felt like I was not going to go to heaven. About mid/late 2012 I went through another point of my life. I felt empty, dried up like I was missing something but did not know what. After I had an opportunity fall through it added disappointment and more heartache which was hard for me leading into 2013. (See 
http://lifesbeautifulbutterflies.blogspot.com/2012/07/im-going-to-russia.html  http://lifesbeautifulbutterflies.blogspot.com/2012/12/hopeful.html
I questioned and wondered why God? Why did he shut the doors to that opportunity? I still will not get why but I trust in his plan in my life. The week of VBS, I expected God to work in kids lives. I did not expect him to change my own.
http://lifesbeautifulbutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/07/overfilled-with-joy.html & http://lifesbeautifulbutterflies.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-2nd-baptism-best-day-of-my-life.html

God has grown me and made me who I am today of what I have gone through. Without him I just imagine life would be so different. Of course I'm not perfect but I try hard. I never grasped fully the love of God til I moved to California and I guess that's part of why I forever call it home. 

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